Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Hell yeah, I'm a RUNNER!

I should clarify something that came up in the comments for my last post . . . I know I'm a "Real Runner", and would get all up in someone's face, probably complete with spittle, if they were to suggest otherwise.  Hell, 3 years, lots of races, hundreds upon hundreds of miles, training schedules and all that peeing on the side of the trail ALL speaks to that.  I mean, man! I have a Garmin for crying out loud! Of COURSE I'm a runner! But . . .

. . . sometimes I still FEEL like I'm pretending.  Like I wish I was.  Like a wannabe.  Like even though I have all the bibs and the miles and the shoes and stuff, there's that awkward, un-athletic school kid who always got mocked and chosen last in gym class* inside of me and someday, someone's gonna figure that out and be like, "You! Don't belong here!"  I've spent a lifetime not being able to catch a ball, correctly swing a tennis racket or run a mile and while I know that I have changed at least some of that and have more endurance that probably 80% of the people I know, that subconscious self-image of a loser is a lot harder to shake.  Consciously I'm full of "I rock!  I ran 8 miles today and I fucking rock!" but there's still that little nagging voice in my head saying "You can't do that!" (hi, mom!)  Even though, obviously, I am more than capable of doing just that, and much more (have I mentioned I'm going to run a marathon?!?).

THIS is what I'm hoping will finally go away this year, this nagging self-doubt that I have no earthly control over.

THIS is one of the many reasons I love running.  Because it will go away, and it will be because I've run it right into the ground.

::stepping off my little soapbox of self-revelation::

*I almost didn't graduate high school because I skipped my entire senior year of PE.  I hated gym class with a passion!


Formulaic said...

Hell yeah you are a runner!!


And dammit, you can run the marathon too!

Tell that little voice to shove it!

Tell that little voice to take a look at your shoes and tell me you are not a runner!

Tell that little voice to take a look at 2/3 of America who is sitting on the couch while you are sweating away the miles!


Good job!

Christina D said...

Let it go! You rock! :)

Anonymous said...

I share your pain. Problem is, I seem to be the only one that doubts I'm a runner. Everyone else sure believes it ... so ... maybe I need a Xanax and banana nut muffin and big fat: Shut Up. Maybe.
You too?

Pam F. said...

It's funny I came across this post! I've been wondering myself what point do I become a "runner" rather than "someone who kind of runs"? I ran my first 1/2 in November and am running another one in April, and I'm sort of toying with the idea of doing a full in October. But I feel like such a phony! When I think "runner" I visualize one of those skinny-yet-muscular people you see on the cover of Runners World. Not me!